The Fly

The man-spouse sent me this on Facebook:

This is via Quora:
Bush, Obama, and Trump each find a fly in their cups of tea. What do they do?
Rik Andino, Proud American, Writer, Thinker, and former US Marine:
Updated May 26
Very well let me reflect the absurdity of American politics. Hang on this will be a wild ride.

Bush calls his father for advice. Baffled Bush Sr convenes a war room consisting of Jeb Bush, Colin Powell, John Sununu, Ken Mehlman, Michael Chertoff, and Cousin Billy Bush. They debate how this will play out in New Hampshire and then consider calling the Washington Post to make an official statement but nobody knows how to set up their Facebook messenger to send them a quick note. Finally they all agree to postpone further action until they get the poll results and find out how White Evangelicals feel about drinking teas with flies.

Obama realizes he doesn’t want tea and requests a Coke. He pops the can and takes a long sip and makes sure to telegenically turn to the camera just as he finishes drinking and artfully holds up the can with a giant Coke-sipping smile. Conservatives get aggravated and complain that he’s unfairly attacking Pepsi by supporting Coca-Cola and begin a 16 month long congressional investigation over the whole matter.

Trump gulps down the tea and loudly complains about how scalding hot it is and the bitter after-taste and that it's the worst coffee he's ever had and blames Amazon and Jeff Bezos.

Later that night watching the news he learns that he swallowed a fly with his tea. He immediately takes to Twitter to refute the claims. He calls it fake news and firmly states that he has never drank tea nor eaten a fly and that he would never have swallowed a fly ever.

The next morning he claims that Hilary Clinton is responsible for the fly in his coffee, he still alleges he's never drank tea, and that he never swallowed a fly. By the midday press conference Sarah Huckabee Sanders says: that there’s nothing wrong with swallowing a fly. Yet she’s not sure if the President’s tea had a fly in it but she’s confident that Trump’s accurate that he didn't drink tea and his hunch is correct that the Clintons were behind the fly that was or wasn’t in Trump’s coffee or tea. She then attacks the liberal press for making coffee and tea a partisan issue.

By the evening CNN finds a former female acquaintance of Trump who asserts that the two used to drink tea secretly while Melania was away on business. Rudy Giuliani phones in to defend Donald Trump calling the lady a liar and asserting Donald only drinks coffee and chai with milk. All the host and guest get into an argument over categorizing chai and ultimately ends with Rudy ranting about Indian cab drivers and Black Lives Matter protestors.

A few days later Trump goes on Fox and Friends and admits to swallowing a fly in his tea. He claims it’s the greatest thing he’s ever done and he’s the only President with the balls to do it. He says: “Obama never had the balls to drink tea much less swallow a fly with his tea, but I do.” He then doubles down by putting a cricket in his coffee and says it’s the American thing to do.

A few minutes later FOX News runs a commercial selling live crickets, flies, and other insects to put in your drinks.

Wishful Thinking

Neologisms

I got this in an email back in 2007 and printed it off.  It's been floating around my studio now for the last nine years.  Too good to throw out, but not important enough to keep.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee - the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted - appalled over how much weight you've gained.
3. Abdicate - to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade - to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly - impotent.
6. Negligent - describes the condition in which one absentmindedly answers the door in one's nightgown.
7. Lymph - to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle - olive flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence - an emergency vehicle that picks one up after one has been run over by a steam roller.
10. Balderdash - a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle - a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude - the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokémon - a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster - one who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism - the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent - an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitation also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:
1. Bozone - the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.  The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the future.
2. Foreploy - any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration - the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti - vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte - to take coffee intravenously when one is running late.
7. Hipatitis - terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis - a degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon - it's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?  And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's, like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon - the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. - Glibido - all talk and no action.
12. - Arachnoleptic fit - the frantic dance performed after walking through a spider web.
13. - Dopeler effect - the tendancy of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. - Beelzebug - Satan in the form of a mosquito in your bedroom at 3am which cannot be cast out.
15. - Caterpallor - the color one turns after finding half a worm in the fruit one is eating.

Lindsay Graham

Well, this is fun. Senator Lindsay Graham shows us that he's not completely nuts.

Dueling Trick-or-Treaters

But...But...It was on Facebook

Wrong.
"The Thomas Jefferson Foundation said it has 'not found this particular statement in his writings' and Henry David Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience is the real source of the quotation," Kaczynski writes.
Henry David Thoreau of course, is an American icon who is strongly believed to have been gay, and was at the forefront of the transcendentalist movement, which abhors organized religion. Thoreau was also something of an anarchist.

With Apologies to Fats Waller

♫ I'm gonna sit right down and text myself a message
And make believe it came from you.
I'm gonna type words oh so sweet
They're gonna knock me off my feet.
Emoticons at the bottom,
I'll be glad I got 'em....
I'm gonna colon parenthesi and say, "I hope you're feelin' better,"

And close with less than three the way you do.
I'm gonna sit right down and text myself a message
And make believe it came from you. ♫

New Vocabular Learnistics

What Is "derp"? The Answer Is Technical.

There has been much discussion lately concerning the word "derp" and its appropriate usage. For example, Josh Barro used the word to describe conservative bigmouth Erick Erickson, and Paul Krugman used it as well. This prompted a primer on the history of the term, followed elsewhere by the usual hand-wringing by self-appointed cultural policemen annoyed by the word.

Now, I myself have used the word "derp" quite a lot. Possibly more than any other pundit I know, with the exception of Dave Weigel. But in any case, not only do I consider myself an expert in the use of "derp", I also have a very precise idea of what "derp" means, and how it should be used. I think "derp" is incredibly useful as a term for an important concept for which the English language has no other word.

It has to do with Bayesian probability.

Bayesian probability basically says that "probability" is, to some degree, subjective. It's your best guess for how likely something is. But to be Bayesian, your "best guess" must take the observable evidence into account. Updating your beliefs by looking at the outside world is called "Bayesian inference". Your initial guess about the probability is called your "prior belief", or just your "prior" for short. Your final guess, after you look at the evidence, is called your "posterior." The observable evidence is what changes your prior into your posterior.

How much does the evidence change your belief? That depends on three things. It depends on A) how different the evidence is from your prior, B) how strong the evidence is, and C) how strong your prior is.

What does it mean for a prior to be "strong"? It means you really, really believe something to be true. If your start off with a very strong prior, even solid evidence to the contrary won't change your mind. In other words, your posterior will come directly from your prior. (And where do priors come from? On this, Bayesian theory is silent. Let's assume they come directly from your...um...posterior.)

There are many people who have very strong priors about things...
...But here's the thing: When those people keep broadcasting their priors to the world again and again after every new piece of evidence comes out, it gets very annoying...since they're just restating their priors over and over. Thus, it is annoying. Guys, we know what you think already.

English has no word for "the constant, repetitive reiteration of strong priors". Yet it is a well-known phenomenon in the world of punditry, debate, and public affairs. On Twitter, we call it "derp".
So "derp" is a unique and useful English word. Let's keep using it.

(Also, the verb associated with "derp" is "herp". It describes the action of coughing a large sticky mass of derp onto the internet in front of you. For example, to use it in a sentence: "That twerp just herped a flerp of derp!" A "flerp" is a unit I made up. It is the amount of derp that can be herped by one twerp. See?)  ---Noah Smith

So Wrong

It Made My Day - Little Moments of WIN – Chuck G.
itmademyday.com

A friend of mine told me how he rear ended another car yesterday. The person he hit happened to be a midget. The guy got out of his car and walked to my friend’s window, looked up and said, “I am not happy.” To which my friend replied, “Then which one are you?”

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All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

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Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year, and every year Bill would say, "Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Blanche always replied, "I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said, "Blanche, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Blanche replied, "Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride, and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Bill replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
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SLEEPING WITH BOB The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his... eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
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An uncircumcized man decided to show his devotion to his wife by having her name tatooed on his penis.  Often, her whole name, WENDY, would show, but usually all that would show was WY.
One summer, the couple vacationed in Jamaica, and happened to find their way to a nude beach.  There the man noticed a local man whose penis also appeared to say WY.  Later he chanced to run into the local man at a bar.  He couldn't resist asking, "So, is your wife named Wendy too?"
The local said, "No, mon.  I have no wife named Wendy.  Why do you ask?"
After some embarrassed hemming and hawing, the man explained the situation, saying he had noticed the WY on the local's penis and wondered about it.
The local replied, " No Mon.  My tatoo says WELCOME TO JAMAICA, MON, AND HAVE A NICE DAY."

Stories of My Life II

One day, when I was living in Stillwater, I stopped in at the supermarket to pick up a few items. I came to the register with a package of mouse traps, a can of spray paint, and a frying pan. When the clerk had rung them up, I discovered that I was a bit short of money. The clerk said, "I guess you'll have to put one of them back."

I said, "Yeah, but if I put one back I can't use the other two."

I remember the look of confusion on her face as she studied the three completely disparate items, wondering what the heck I was going to use them for. But I can't remember whether I ever told her I was just kidding.

A Well Written Police Report

Augusta, GA

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta , Georgia , told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta , on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket. When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw -- injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Breaking the Rules

I'm not allowed to blog about work anymore. However...

Apple Does It Again!

Christmas gift idea!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The “iTit” will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Analogies Humor

The line separating painfully bad analogies from weirdly good ones is as thin as a soup made from the shadow of a chicken that was starved to death by Abraham Lincoln.

Here are some fine examples:

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck --not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real lame duck, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like some who could tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

Her lips were red and full, like tubes of blood drawn by an inattentive phlebotomist.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room temperature beef.

Her pants fit her like a glove... well, more like a mitten, actually.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had a tense grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting.

He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Larry or Curly --you know, the one who goes "woo woo woo."

The sunset displayed rich spectacular hues, like a .jpeg file at 10% percent cyan, 10% magenta, 60% yellow, and 10% black.

Phone Call from the Census

The US Census office in New York has had to fire workers due to fraud. The new folks there must still be learning the ropes. This actual telephone call to Erik Gordon was transcribed immediately upon hanging up, so it's practically verbatim.
Ring. Ring.
ERIK: "Hello?"
CHARLOTTE: "Hello. This is Charlotte calling from the 2010 United States Census. We've left you a couple of messages over the past few weeks but you haven't returned our calls. I'm calling to ask you some additional questions about the census form that you recently completed. This should take only a few minutes."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "Can I start by verifying your address?"
ERIK: "Yes, it's the one you have on the form -- 68 East 78th Street in New York."
CHARLOTTE: "And is this the Gordon household?"
ERIK: "Yes."
CHARLOTTE: "And who completed the census form on behalf of the household?"
ERIK: "I did. I'm the only one who lives here."
CHARLOTTE: "And what is your name?"
ERIK: "Erik Gordon. Don't you have that on the form I filled out?"
CHARLOTTE: "Yes."
ERIK: "So why are you asking me again?"
CHARLOTTE (reading): "We need to make sure that the 2010 US Census is an accurate count of every person in the United States and that no person is double counted. This should take only a few minutes."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "So Erik Gordon filled out the census form on behalf of your household?"
ERIK: "Yes, I did."
CHARLOTTE: "And am I speaking to Erik Gordon?"
ERIK: "Um, yes. But I think we've covered this, no?"
CHARLOTTE: "Yes, but I need to ask the questions in the order they appear on my screen."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, how many people were living at your address on April 1, 2010?"
ERIK: "Just me. I'm the only one who lives here."
CHARLOTTE: "So should I put 'One?'"
ERIK: "Probably."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, do you have children, babies or foster children living with you?"
ERIK (louder): "I'm the only one here."
CHARLOTTE: "It's a yes or no question, Mr. Gordon."
ERIK: "If I'm the only one here, then the answer is 'No,' right?"
CHARLOTTE: "Okay, I'm going to put 'No.'"
ERIK: "Good idea."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, do you have any other relatives living with you?"
ERIK: "I'm the only one here."
CHARLOTTE: "I can't put that."
ERIK: "I don't care."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, we need to make sure that the 2010 US Census is an accurate count of every person in the United States and that no person is double counted. This should take only a few minutes."
ERIK: "But all of this is on the form I filled out."
CHARLOTTE: "I know. I have it here."
ERIK: "So why are you asking me the same questions?"
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, this should take only a few minutes."
ERIK: "This should take no minutes."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, are you refusing to answer the questions? Because if you're refusing to answer the questions, I'm going to have to call you back."
ERIK: "I'm not refusing to answer the questions, Charlotte. I already answered them."
CHARLOTTE: "When?"
ERIK: "On the form you have in front of you."
CHARLOTTE: "Oh."
ERIK: "Yes."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, this should only take a few minutes. Can I ask if you have any nonrelatives, such as roommates or babysitters living with you?"
ERIK: "I'm the only one here."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, you know I can't put that."
ERIK: "No, Charlotte, no. I don't have anyone else living here!"
CHARLOTTE: "No roomates or babysitters?"
ERIK: "No!"
CHARLOTTE: "I'm going to put 'No.' Mr. Gordon, do you have anyone living with you temporarily?"
ERIK: "Charlotte, you know what I'm going to say, right?"
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, it's a yes or no question."
ERIK: "Charlotte, you've already asked me about relatives and nonrelatives. Who else could be living with me?"
CHARLOTTE: "Anyone living with you temporarily, such as any illegal aliens."
ERIK: "Yes, Charlotte. I forgot. I do have illegal aliens living with me."
CHARLOTTE: "How many?"
ERIK: "I live with approximately twelve thousand illegal Mexican immigrants. But please don't put that down, I don't want to get in trouble."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, I have to put it down."
ERIK: "Please don't put it down. They're nice people. They’ve traveled far."
CHARLOTTE: "I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon. I have to put it down."
ERIK: "Okay, put it down."
CHARLOTTE: "Okay."
ERIK: "Charlotte, did you really just put down that I live with 12,000 illegal Mexican immigrants?"
CHARLOTTE: "No. I just put twelve."
ERIK: "Why?"
CHARLOTTE: "I don't have enough room."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, were you away from this address anytime in March or April of 2010?"
ERIK: "What do you mean?"
CHARLOTTE: "What do *you* mean?"
ERIK: "Are you asking me if I left my apartment anytime in March or April?"
CHARLOTTE: "Yes."
ERIK: "Then 'Yes.'"
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, where did you go?"
ERIK: "Charlotte, I went a lot of places."
CHARLOTTE: "I only have one line."
ERIK: "That's too bad, Charlotte, because I went *a lot* of places."
CHARLOTTE: "But I only have one line."
ERIK: "So what do you want me to tell you?"
CHARLOTTE: "I don't know. Do you want me to ask my supervisor?"
ERIK: "Actually, I think you should ask your supervisor."
CHARLOTTE (returning to the phone after putting me on hold for two or three minutes): "I think we should just put 'Don't Know.'"
ERIK: "Fine."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, in March and April of 2010 where did you spend most of your time: at your address in New York or in Don't Know?"
ERIK: "New York. Don't Know isn't a real place."
CHARLOTTE: "Okay. New York. Is there any other place you spent most of your time?"
ERIK: "Charlotte, what does that mean?"
CHARLOTTE: "You said you spent most of your time in New York. Is there any other place where you spent most of your time?"
ERIK: "Charlotte, how can I spend most of my time in more than one place?"
CHARLOTTE (after thinking it over): "I think we should put 'Don't Know.'"
ERIK: "Okay. Let's put that."
CHARLOTTE: "Okay."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, other than New York and Don't Know, did you spend any time anywhere else?"
ERIK: "Pardon?"
CHARLOTTE: "Other than New York and Don't Know, did you spend any time anywhere else?"
ERIK: "Other than New York and Don't Know?"
CHARLOTTE: "Yes."
ERIK: "No. I spent all of my time in New York and Don't Know."
CHARLOTTE: "How about prison?"
ERIK: "How about prison?"
CHARLOTTE: "Did you spend any time in prison in March or April of 2010?"
ERIK: "No, I was only in New York and Don't Know."
CHARLOTTE: "Okay."
ERIK: "Okay."
CHARLOTTE: "Okay. Mr. Gordon, did you spend any time in the military?"
ERIK: "No."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, did you spend any time in a nursing home?"
ERIK: "Charlotte, can we just put 'Don't Know' for the rest of the questions so we can both get on with our lives?"
CHARLOTTE: "No, I can't do that. You need to answer every question. This should take only a few minutes."
ERIK: "It’s already been more than a few minutes."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, are you refusing to answer the questions? Because if you're refusing to answer the questions--"
ERIK: "I don't want you to call me back Charlotte. I did not spend any time in a nursing home in March or April of 2010. I was too busy in Don't Know."
CHARLOTTE: "What?"
ERIK: "No. No time in a nursing home."
CHARLOTTE: "Mr. Gordon, that was the last question. On behalf of the 2010 United States Census, thank you and have a good evening."

Chain Email -- The Good Kind

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted paychecks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put " A DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Things I'll Never get Around To, Chapter 1

The subject of a T-shirt I want to make came up in a discussion a while back. For years I've had the idea to make a T-shirt reading "Amberfimbie and Crotch, " just to see if anyone notices. Gaby suggested that we should make two Ts, one with Amberfimbie, the other with Crotch.

I get dibs on the Amberfimbie.

Stories of My Life: Sandwich in the Dark

Some years ago after a night at the club, I came home from an after-party about 4:30ish, and I was feeling a bit hungry. Having been in the dark for a while, I was reluctant to turn on the light, but I figured I wouldn't need it for a PBJ. I got the peanut butter out of the cabinet and then reached around the refrigerator door, avoiding the light, and grabbed the strawberry jelly---or so I thought. Nasal congestion prevented me from finding out till I had bitten into it that I had fixed myself a peanut butter and spaghetti sauce sandwich.
The dog thought it was a special treat.

Parents Say the Darndest Things

"My son is under the doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."

"Please excuse Mary for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."

"Please excuse fred for being. It was his father's fault."

"Please ackuse Fred for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and 33."

"Mary was absent from school yesterday as she was having a gangover."

"Mary could not come to school today because she was bother by very close veins."

"Fred has an acre in his side."

"Please excuse Fred from P.E. for a few days. He fell yesterday out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

"Please excuse Mary from Jim yesterday. She is administrating."

"Please excuse Fred for being absent. He had a cold and could not breed well."

"Please excuse Mary. Mary has been sick and under the doctor."

"Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."

"I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby born 2 years old. When do I get my money?"

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on half a sheet of paper."

"I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?"

"I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead."

"This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?"

"Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with cannot eat or do anything until he knows."

"In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing ten pounds. I hope this is satisfactory."

"I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake, as you can see."

"My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since."

"Unless I get my husbands money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life."

"You have changed my little boy to a little girl. will this make any difference?"

"I have no children as yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works days and nights."

"In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope."

"I am very much annoyed that you branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born."

Management Has No Sense of Humor

One of our afternoon front desk guys, Kevin, is a creative and incorrigible prankster. Example: A couple of months ago he got online and found some official forms from the Department of Human Services, printed them off, and arranged to have Bossman presented with papers explaining that his check was to be garnished to support the two-year-old daughter he didn't know he had. Brilliant!
One time, AFOM wrote a note on the big dry-erase board in the office complaining that he'd had to remove nine used glasses that had been left in the office. (This is a recurring problem, along with plates and silverware and other lunch remnants.) Kevin added, "Nine glasses of pop in the office, Nine glasses of pop, Take one down, Pass it around..."
But he almost got fired over one prank that went too far (in Management's opinion.) One of our HR managers had written a list of the top ten rules that employees must obey, and had hung up copies all over the employee areas. Kevin, having noticed that a chair from the restaurant was downstairs needing to be repaired, used her list as a basis for what was ostensibly an employee rewards perk.
When I got to work, there was a new flyer taped to the locker room door. (Actually, they were all over the place.) I read it, thinking at first that it was one of those lame-yet-kinda-cool things they do for employee morale. But the more I read, the more ridiculous it got. Click on the picture, and you'll see what I mean.
Upstairs, it was pretty obvious that Kevin was proud of his work, but the next morning, our head of security went around and took all the flyers down, muttering about looking through the security tapes to find the culprit. I found out later that upper management wanted Kevin fired, but the FOM refused, so he was given a three day suspension instead. Most of the rest of us thought this was an unnecessary overreaction, and some spoke of rallying to Kevin's defense with a prank of their own, but within a few days the whole thing had blown over, and now it's just one of those stories everyone laughs about. Except for management, of course.